Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
You Might Also Like
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Good news
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.