ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.