Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that