Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.