oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Mad Max: Furry Road
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel