If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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unbelievably distressed by this ad
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.