if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.