Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
What the hell happened in there??