Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*jazz hands*
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?