[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
BRO LMFAO
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.