My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Extremely relatable.
My dad teaching me to drive