What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
You Might Also Like
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.