*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
You Might Also Like
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.