I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”