If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
#StillHurts
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
mathematically impossible
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.