Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!