My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone