spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.