Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!