It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The real reason evolution started..😂
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in