According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone