๐ค๐๐
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says โ2 Days Without Being Annoyedโ
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on โbon appetiteโ and blurted out โmea culpa,โ but she seemed fine with it.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: itโs a bird! itโs a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
M: thatโs
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant theyโre embarrassed to walk into when itโs daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Kids are fun because theyโll barge in the bathroom when you say โdonโt come in, Iโm nakedโ and then get mad at you because youโre naked.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: whatโs the good news
doc: you wonโt need it for long
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes youโre not a psychopath.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
What have you done…๐๐พ๐ฅด
Sound On..๐๐
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh ๐