When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick