The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Happens to everyone.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.