My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.