Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive