I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
How to draw a duck
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….