Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol