My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Always…
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Risking my life for fun.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
same energy
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.