I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”