Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism