“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Autocarrot sucks!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?