“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
*puts my mental health in rice
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
😂😂😂
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?