My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I really had high hopes for this year though
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.