*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
This is a sub tweet
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.