That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
i wish we could shoplift online
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Finally, an explanation.