Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
From my Mom
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
(yawn)
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.