Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I want to meet the individual who made this
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse