There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
absolute chaos
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”