Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Friday
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Sorry. Not sorry
Never forget.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.