Happy Friday
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*