Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Meow?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
hmm conte-me mais
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.