Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Life hack
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….