How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.