[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You Might Also Like
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?