I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
looks legit
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week