[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.