I just died πππππ
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: Iβll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] βyeah ok, hang onβ
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -SchrΓΆdinger
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Day 22 of quarantine and Iβve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but Iβve finally obtained some privacy
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.