Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I will never stop laughing at this
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Had an epiphany today.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
How I’d get arrested…
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy