I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
#NeverForget
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind